My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
