Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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