Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
