I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
