I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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