If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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