I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
