go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
