Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
How does it feel to date your dad?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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