You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
