dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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