Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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