All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
