if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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