Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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