my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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