We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
