We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
