He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize