Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
