so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I had to cum in my sink.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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