Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
