The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
