sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
