I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize