Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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