are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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