I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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