Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I did not marry a roomba.
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