my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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