the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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