I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
