so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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