I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
