don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
