he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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