I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
