apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
