all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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