Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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