i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
