I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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