He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You ruined the universe
My feet surprised me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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