cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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