somebody snuck up and got me drunk
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
