I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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