So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
