Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize