He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
