hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
