I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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