I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
