he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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