I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize