Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
