I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
