I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
