Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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