dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
