Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
