This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I checked into jail on foursquare
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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