The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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