Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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