im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
