When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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