she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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