I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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