I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
