I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
